my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
