never play flip cup with pint glasses
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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