It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
