It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
