I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
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