So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
i need some magic done to my vagina
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
