am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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