My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
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