i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Everything about him screamed your future.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Everyone says I win the strip club
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
