He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
