The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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