If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
He has the fingertips of a God
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