Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
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