Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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