I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Randomize
