So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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