That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
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You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
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I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?