I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
