At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
