Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
