That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
The police scanner is talking about you again....
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Let's get the cat blown out
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
