your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
