i would punch a child for taco bell
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
