I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i would punch a child for taco bell
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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