So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
