I think my vagina is haunted
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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