I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
