Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Randomize
