Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
