woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
