i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Your cock deserves a montage
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
