A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
