i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
