i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
