i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
