This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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