Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
