turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
