very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
