Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize