Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just gift wrapped bread.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Randomize
