i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
