he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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