so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
