you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
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i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
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I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
God, I missed his penis.
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