dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
