just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
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We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
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Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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