Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
