non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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