the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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