He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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