sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
