Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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