Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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